How well does your love translate in relationships?
No matter where you travel in the world, languages may be different, but there is one language that is shared by everyone. That language is love and can be spoken by all but can have its own way of being translated. The question then is how well does your love translate in relationships?
What does love have to do with relationships?
We all have relationships. Usually, our first relationship begins at birth with our mother and father. If you have ever witnessed the birth of a newborn, you see that they can have different ways of acting when taking their first breaths. Many cry while others are silent. Some have their eyes wide open while others are closed. However, after they have been quickly checked for how they are doing, most are given to their mother to be held closely. It is during this time, “bonding” takes place as the beginning of their first relationship after birth.
Studies have shown that bonding with parents as a newborn has a big impact. It is the beginning of a love that is communicated in many ways in a relationship. As the baby gets older, those close to the baby begin to see ways that he or she interacts with other. There may be crying, silence, verbal googoos and gagas, and even notable changes depending on who they are near. These behaviors and changes reflect their relationships and love toward those that they are close to that demonstrate love. The question is, what is love in a relationship?
What is the definition of love?
To start, we must first ask what is the definition of love? We see the definition of love in language defined in Websters 1828 Dictionary as follows:
LOVE, noun (1)
“1. An affection of the mind excited by beauty and worth of any kind, or by the qualities of an object which communicate pleasure, sensual or intellectual. It is opposed to hatred. love between the sexes, is a compound affection, consisting of esteem, benevolence, and animal desire. love is excited by pleasing qualities of any kind, as by kindness, benevolence, charity, and by the qualities which render social intercourse agreeable. In the latter case, love is ardent friendship, or a strong attachment springing from good will and esteem, and the pleasure derived from the company, civilities and kindness of others.
Between certain natural relatives, love seems to be in some cases instinctive. Such is the love of a mother for her child, which manifests itself toward an infant, before any particular qualities in the child are unfolded. This affection is apparently as strong in irrational animals as in human beings.
We speak of the love of amusements, the love of books, the love of money, and the love of whatever contributes to our pleasure or supposed profit.
The love of God is the first duty of man, and this springs from just views of his attributes or excellencies of character, which afford the highest delight to the sanctified heart. Esteem and reverence constitute ingredients in this affection, and a fear of offending him is its inseparable effect.
2. Courtship; chiefly in the phrase, to make love that is, to court; to woo; to solicit union in marriage.
3. Patriotism; the attachment one has to his native land; as the love of country.
4. Benevolence; good will.”
We can go on talking about what love is, but we can also see what loves does as follows:
LOVE, verb transitive luv. [Latin libeo, lubeo. The sense is probably to be prompt, free, willing, from leaning, advancing, or drawing forward.]
“1. In a general sense to be pleased with; to regard with affection, on account of some qualities which excite pleasing sensations or desire of gratification. We love a friend, on account of some qualities which give us pleasure in his society. We love a man who has done us a favor; in which case, gratitude enters into the composition of our affection. We love our parents and our children, on account of their connection with us, and on account of many qualities which please us. We love to retire to a cool shade in summer. We love a warm room in winter. we love to hear an eloquent advocate. The christian loves his Bible. In short, we love whatever gives us pleasure and delight, whether animal or intellectual; and if our hearts are right, we love God above all things, as the sum of all excellence and all the attributes which can communicate happiness to intelligent beings. In other words, the christian loves God with the love of complacency in his attributes, the love of benevolence towards the interest of his kingdom, and the love of gratitude for favors received.”
True love is part of a relationship
If we notice, each aspect of love has a relationship element that is the basis for existing. It is this basis and foundation that makes love last through good times and bad as we sacrificially interact and support each other. This is why we are told to esteem others above ourselves. This means valuing the wellbeing or others above us so that our love grows to be strong in all situations as follows:
Philippians 2:1-4. “If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 2 Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Simply stated, true love is a result of a relationship to help others, not just a feeling. This is important to understand because our feelings, even though they may be heart felt, can deceive us as follows:
Jeremiah 17:9-11. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10 I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. 11 As the partridge sitteth on eggs, and hatcheth them not; so he that getteth riches, and not by right, shall leave them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool.”
Why should we demonstrate love to others?
So then, how do we demonstrate our love to others in ways that are truthful and make sense? The example we have as Christians is the love of Jesus as follows:
Romans 5:6-11. “For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. 8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. 10 For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. 11 And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement.
We see here that when we had no strength to meet our own needs, Jesus, Who is the living truth, did something about it as follows:
John 14:6-7. “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. 7 If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him.”
Jesus lived a perfect life and died on the cross to pay our penalty for our sins despite us not deserving it. He saved us from wrath because of our sins, reconciled us to God the Father, and gave us the ability to be at one with God again. His sacrificial giving to us, restored what was broken in the Garden of Eden from sin that we inherited, and made us one with God again.
How should we show love to others?
When we trust that Jesus sacrificially did what He did for us, motivated by love it should inspire us to do the same for others. This means we should sacrificially give of our time and talent and things we possess to benefit them. Sacrificial acts of love are not motivated by what we can get in return. Instead, they are done to demonstrate the other person is worthy no matter what, just as Jesus did for us. When we show love to others, it shows love to Jesus because of what He did for us and why He wants us to love others. (John 13:34-35; John 15:13).
What is an example of communicating love?
We often hear about examples of communicating love when one has died and those that knew them gather together to honor them in a memorial or funeral. Story after story is usually told of the great things they have done for others. Often, someone will tell of a time in their life when the person that died did something kind to them that was life changing. These stories add great memories of everyone about the one being honored
However, there are those times when someone has been a terrible influence on others and not many people are willing to say good things about them. Despite this, sometimes one will tell of a time they were going through a tough time in their life. When this kind of story is told, it reminds us that each one of us have the capacity to demonstrate the love of Jesus to others. When it happens, it often leads to a seriousness in the room, that no matter how bad of a reputation we may have, we can all demonstrate love to others. How then can we communicate love effectively to meet the varied needs we each have?
Love can be communicated in many ways
Like a language, love can be communicated in many ways. It can also be understood in many ways. These ways are often called love languages. Like a spoken language, love languages have to be understood by the person receiving the love or the love will not be understood. Likewise, those that speak multiple languages tend to have what is referred to as a native tongue.
A native tongue is usually a language that the person learned to speak as a child and grew up with. It is one that is most natural to them; makes the most sense; and is easily applied in a variety of situations with others. So then, what would be ways to show love that would be like a native tongue to others and is most natural to them?
Love can be translated through encouragement
The first way love can be translated is through encouragement or edifying speech. We see this in Ephesians 4:29-32 as follows:
Ephesians 4:29-32. “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
This method of translating love is expressed by building up others through encouragement. It can be done verbally as you speak and interact with others in a variety of situations. It even can be done in writing as you communicate with those involved in these situations. This could be by openly encouraging someone in front of others that you liked what they said or what they did. Or, in cases where they may not like attention, giving them a private note or email expressing encouragement.
This can also be done in writing in public forums like social media or other published sites that communicate on a large scale. In these cases, there might be those that for whatever reason do not like to see another person encouraged and will responds in ways that are very disrespectful and vulgar. No matter what, maintaining a level of courtesy, respect, and honor helps all involved see through their disrespect and vulgarity and can be encouraging. When it comes from the heart, for some, encouragement is what best speaks to them as saying, “I love you.”
Love can be translated through acts of service
The second way love can be translated is through “acts of service.” We see this in 1 John 3:18 as follows:
1 John 3:16-18. “Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. 17 But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? 18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.”
This method of translating love is expressed by acts of service that we do for another person that we know they will appreciate. When appropriate, it might be fixing a meal; rubbing sore feet; filling up his or her car with fuel; or some other thing that they like. These are also acts that are not expected nor asked for but are done voluntarily without fanfare to draw attention to yourself. When it comes from the heart, for some, acts of service is what best speaks to them as saying, “I love you,”
Love can be translated through gift giving
The third way love can be translated is through “Gift giving.” We see this in Ephesians 5:25 as follows:
1 Peter 4:8-10. “And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. 9 Use hospitality one to another without grudging. 10 As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.”
As mentioned before, Jesus gave His life for us as the ultimate act of love that was the unspeakable gift of God (John 3:16-17; 2 Corinthians 9;15). For some, receiving an impromptu or unexpected gift, communicates to them you were thinking of them. For some, gift giving speaks best to them as a way of saying, “I love you.”
Love can be translated through face time
The third way love can be translated is through “Face time,” also known as quality time. We see this in 2 Timothy 4:3-6 as follows:
Luke 24:30-35. “And it came to pass, as he sat at meat with them, he took bread, and blessed it, and brake, and gave to them. 31 And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight. 32 And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while he opened to us the scriptures? 33 And they rose up the same hour, and returned to Jerusalem, and found the eleven gathered together, and them that were with them, 34 Saying, The Lord is risen indeed, and hath appeared to Simon. 35 And they told what things were done in the way, and how he was known of them in breaking of bread.”
We see through Scripture that the disciples valued the time they were face to face with Jesus. They also valued their time with one another and knew there were things that would be done long after they were gone (2 Timothy 4:3-6).
Face time is when people spend time together in active conversation about things that are of personal importance. It is not sitting and watching television. texting, or surfing the web and social media. It is time when each of us focus our thoughts on each other while heart to heart conversations about life issues take place. It is a communication that shows others that we really care for each other as a person. For some, face time is what speaks best to them as a way of saying, “I love you.”
Love can be translated through physical touch
The third way love can be translated is through “Physical touch.” We see this in Mark 10:13-16 as follows:
Mark 10:13-16. “And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.”
Physical touch is any physical touching that takes place between one individual and another. It can be as simple as p[lacing a reassuring hand on someone, holding hands, a pat on the back, or as intense as the most intimate of physical relations in a marriage. It could be sitting close to each other while watching a movie or reading a book. Physical touch may or may not involve face time. Instead, it communicates a closeness in physical contact, such as holding one’s hand while they are unconscious due to a medical issue. For some, physical touch is what speaks best to them as a way of saying, “I love you.”
Identifying our preferred way love can be translated
One of the hardest things to know is what someone’s preference is when it comes to translating love. Usually, a person will express their preferred translation of love by how they interact with others. For example, someone who likes gift giving will often buy other people gifts. They do this because, to them, that is what speaks love to them so that is how they speak love to others. However, to best communicate love, we must seek out to find the other person’s preferred language of love. If we want to express love to others, seeking out their preferred language of love and making an effort to practice it should be selflessly practiced.
With this in mind, we must understand that the language we use in love is part of who we are. However, sometimes this language of love can be a result of ways that parents and others, express love to their children. It can be dome in appropriate and sometimes inappropriate ways. Inappropriate ways distort the understanding of what real love is.
For the most part, children brought up wholesomely start demonstrating their language of love just around the beginning of school age. This is because children have a different perspective of learning from birth to around age five that is more based in experience and not instruction. They then naturally exhibit behaviors they are familiar with and like in languages of love. For this reason, parents must be observant of initial clues of what their children prefer so they can customize expressions of love to each child.
Identifying the preferred way others want loved
We must always remember that love is an action, not an emotion (1 Corinthians 13; Philippians 2:3). Therefore, we must keep in mind that we are commanded to love on another in what we do and how we treat others (Mark 12:28-34). When we esteem others, it enables and motivates them to love others in return. When we love others because Jesus loves us, we are demonstrating our love for Him to serve and please Him.
So then how do we know what language of love we should use with others. As mentioned before, we can learn from them in how they act and how they respond to how they are treated. If there is an opportunity, as in the case of married couples and children, we can actually discover each other’s language of love. We can discover this by doing a survey of what are our languages of love and what we think their languages of love are. We often do this in marriage counseling and other relationship counseling of individuals and groups experiencing conflict.
Love Language exercise
The following are instructions on how to discover the language of love for each of us often used in Christ-centered marriage counseling. Languages we covered are:
Encouragement
Acts of Service
Gift Giving
Face Time
Physical Touch
A. Using the following worksheet, fill out in the “My love languages” list in order of what you think are the love languages preferred by yourself, in order of preference. (Top to bottom)
My Number 1: ___________________________________________
My Number 2: ___________________________________________
My Number 3: ___________________________________________
My Number 4: ___________________________________________
My Number 5: ___________________________________________
B. When done, without asking, fill out in the “Other person’s love languages” list in order of what you think are their preferred love languages in order of preference. (Top to bottom)
Their Number 1: ___________________________________________
Their Number 2: ___________________________________________
Their Number 3: ___________________________________________
Their Number 4: ___________________________________________
Their Number 5: ___________________________________________
C. Once both people are done, then compare lists. Start by asking each other what they answered for each number. Compare your lists and write the actual numbers next to each entry for what the other person answers at the end of the line as follows:
Their Number 1: __Acts of service___________________3____
Their Number 2: __Face time_______________________2____
Their Number 3: __Physical touch___________________1____
Their Number 4: __Gift giving____________ __________4____
Their Number 5: __Encouragement_ _________________5____
Love Language discussion
Once completed, then talk about each item on your list so you can better understand together how each person defines it and what specific things would they like or would not like to experience. This can be very personal, but in the cases of close relationships, it really helps open each other’s eyes as to what really gives them the feeling they are loved. As each of you make a deliberate effort to love each other in ways that are highly valued, it soon becomes a habit.
The same can be done with children in a less formal way. For example, some children may like gifts while others enjoy doing things together. Knowing this can provide opportunities to demonstrate your love in ways that have a great impact. This can also include time where children have one special day a month where they get to experience a time when there is a private focus on them that day. It could be a one-on-one special event you attend; a shopping trip; a pool or spa visit, or something special they like you to do. Therre is no limit to ideas.
Final thoughts
This can be very personal, but in the cases of close relationships, it really helps open each other’s eyes as to what really gives them the feeling they are loved. Of course, we can also turn this into an amazing learning experience using the Bible. While doing a Bible study, looking for what is seen as love languages can be very enlightening. Finally, when it comes to love languages, our best example is the Life and Ministry of Jesus that can help us to learn how He too used love languages to demonstrate His love to each one of us.
May God bless us in our learning how to love others as we would want to be loved, by loving God first and using Him as our motivation and power to love others.
(1) (2) https://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/love
For more information on “Love Languages” check out the following books by Gary Chapman.
The 5 Love Languages (Kindle Edition): The Secret to Love That Lasts
Dr. Michael L. Williams, Head of Ministry Operations and Technology at Christianity Every Day, is a Christ-centered Author, Educator, Biblical Counselor and Advisor. He is ordained in Pastoral Ministry and formerly the founding Pastor of Selah Mountain Ministries, a church started along with his wife, Pamela Rose, after several years of pastoral experience and training in Biblical Counseling. Selah Mountain provided Biblical counseling and education to the public on how to overcome life issues Biblically on topics such as anger management, marriage, addictions, and other subjects – often referred to as mental illnesses. To learn more about Dr. Mike visit the About page.
