The Ebb & Flow: A Loved One Gone

By Pamela Rose Williams

Perhaps you have heard the terms ebb and flow. In reality these words are associated with movement of water. You may know it as ebb and flood. These are two phases of the tide as you watch it come in and go out. The ebb is the outgoing phase – that which creates low tide. And the flow is the incoming phase where we would call it high tide.

Figuratively, ebb and flow can be like a wave of emotions. It is the high and the low, just like the tide of the ocean. It is those emotions that you experience in many of life’s circumstances, especially when you are on the ocean of grief.

Recently the Lord took one of our loved ones home to be with Him. Her name is Hollie Rose and she is my youngest daughter. She was 27 years old and though we are confident that she is absent from the body and present with the Lord, we will miss her dearly until that day that we are reunited with her in Heaven. It has been some time since she went home and I am feeling led to share with you, from a mother’s heart, some of the ebb and flow of these past several weeks.

In a few words I have said that Hollie Rose:

… loved music, books, coffee, pizza, movies, anything Star Wars, animals, history and the preservation of it, especially the 17th century Europe. Hollie was a true-blue friend and she loved to give gifts. Anyone who knew Hollie would agree she was fearless and lived life big, regardless of the life challenges she faced. She was known for her beautiful blue eyes, ever-changing hair color and her infectious laugh.

When Last We Spoke

Earlier this year my husband and I relocated back to our home state of Ohio. When we shared the news with Hollie and invited her to move with us, she decided to stay in New Mexico. Just a few days before we moved, she joined us at the house for pizza. She also took quite a few pantry items off of our hands so that we did not need to move them – basically, she went shopping at Mom’s. It was a bitter sweet goodbye because we really did not know when next we would see one another.

A couple months later my sister and I flew down to New Mexico to meet the movers as they packed up the house and loaded the truck. While we were there, we were able to meet Hollie for a meal. It was sweet but way too brief. She looked well and we shared much good conversation and lots of laughs. This was the last time I saw Hollie and hugged her.

As time went on we regularly texted one another and interacted by way of other social media. When she was in a place where she could talk, she would respond to my text with a phone call. Truly though, you all know texting and talking on the phone is just not the same as that physical fellowship that we all know and love.

One day in June I received a call from Hollie. She called to tell me that she was asked to leave the place where she had moved to just a couple weeks prior. I do not really know the details of why she was asked to leave, I just know my daughter was on the verge of being homeless. She was in dire straits. I told her I would call around to people I know who lived near to her but off the top of my head knew of no one that might be able to give her a place to stay for a few days while she looked for something more permanent. And I reminded her that our doors were open to her always. One thing led to another and by the end of the day her dear friend Maddie discussed the situation with her husband, and they agreed Hollie could come stay with them until she got back on her feet. Once Hollie was moved into Maddie’s place in Rio Rancho, she called me to say “Mom, I just called to tell you I am safe”. Those where the last words I heard from Hollie.

Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life?
It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time,
and then vanisheth away.
James 4:14

The News

It was Friday afternoon here in Ohio, just a couple days after Hollie moved in with Maddie. My husband called me from his office to ask if I had heard from Hollie. I answered that I had not received any communication since Wednesday and noticed that her Facebook account had no new activity. He shared with me that the Rio Rancho, New Mexico police had just called him on his cell phone to ask where he was so they could send local police out to speak with him. The dispatcher in New Mexico would not share any more details on the phone. At that moment I knew – my Hollie was in Heaven. My heart began to race, and I told my husband that I would track down Maddie or her father (our good friend and brother in Christ; his name is Joseph). I dialed Maddie’s number and received no answer, so I called Joseph. Joseph answered and I asked if he could talk to me about Hollie. He initially said he was driving and really could not discuss Hollie. I asked him to pull over and pleaded with him to share. He confirmed that Hollie had passed and offered his condolences. He was instructed by the police not to discuss the situation with anyone and that is why he was reluctant to share. I then called my husband back to confirm his belief that the news was not good. We cried together on the phone and he said he would be home as soon as he finished his conversation with the police who had yet to arrive. I felt nervous and sick.

So now I had the job of sharing the news with the rest of the family. I was numb but I knew I needed to share before social media got a hold of it. I called Hollie’s siblings first. Then I called my sisters and once Michael returned home, he called his siblings and his mother. Soon one of my sisters and our son Jim arrived at the house. After that we called friends and extended family. I do not remember many details of this phase, only that I kept praying to God to be my strength and wrote things down as I thought of them so I could do them later. I also remember that it was like I was a robot. That word surreal comes to mind  – I could not believe the truth of this situation. It was like a nightmare.

So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
Psalms 90:12

The Planning

When someone dies in another state, everything is delayed. And since Hollie died in her sleep it was considered an unsupervised death and therefore was subject to the medical examiner. When we lived in New Mexico my husband worked as a Funeral Director for several years. Because of this he was able to call a very dear friend of ours to take Hollie into his care for all of the things that needed to be done to send her home to Ohio. When Hollie lived, she expressed that she wanted to be cremated and that she would prefer not to have a casket funeral at all. She wanted a celebration of life. We honored her wishes and began to wait on everything that needed to be done in New Mexico before her remains could be sent to us.

In the meantime, we were unable to really put a date on the calendar for the Memorial Service because we had no idea how long everything would take to accomplish. We just knew that the service would be here, and it would be a great celebration. And so, we waited. The waiting was very hard. It seemed to drag on forever.

After a couple weeks and with the upcoming Independence Day holiday we decided that a good time to have the Memorial Service would be on July 13, 2019. A Saturday would make it so more people could come, and post-holiday made it better all around. Now that we had a day, we were able to talk with the pastor of the church we had been attending for just a few weeks. We asked if we might have the service at the church and asked him to officiate it. Without hesitation he said “Absolutely, anything you need, anything at all.”

Throughout the “waiting period” Hollie’s sister Candi and her brother Jim and I talked about the Memorial service. Candi said that she would like to lead the music and ask her cousin Andrea to help. We were thrilled with this idea. Candi thought carefully about the songs that she and Hollie often sang and those that Hollie confided as her favorite and not so favorite. Michael and I planned an order for the service and Candi offered some very good changes as well as a list of songs that might work nicely. Then she even went so far as to type up the lyrics and send them to me. Pastor James took it from there and designed a beautiful printed program that could be used by one and all during the service. Technology, I love it!

I have planned many, many funerals and memorial services. At some point Michael knew that I would want to plan this one too because that is what I do. So, he gently suggested that I start giving my sisters jobs to do so that I did not get overwhelmed. What a great idea and how blessed we were to have my sisters and the ladies in the church and all those others that worked behind the scenes to serve us.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works,
and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Matthew 5:16

The Reality

And then it happened – the reality of it all came to me when I received Hollie’s cremated remains from New Mexico. It was real, my baby was gone. My Jesus had her and my job as her earthy mother was now over. On this earth, I would never look into her beautiful blue eyes again. I would never remind her that “purple” hair color was not natural. I would never hear her voice again. I would never hug her again. I would never have a stupid argument with her again. I would never have to worry about her health or safety again. How do I convey to you what was in this Momma’s heart? I will tell you what I told my husband on that evening when we laid down to sleep. The sorrow in my heart that day when Hollie’s remains arrived in Ohio was as great as the joy in my heart on the day she was born.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament,
but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful,
but your sorrow shall be turned into joy.
John 16:20

Remembering Life

On that July 13, 2019 God blessed us exceedingly and abundantly with so much more that we could even imagine. We saw family and friends that we have not seen in years. Our new church family just wrapped their arms around us and served all so lovingly and unselfishly. Our gifted daughter Candi and her cousin Andrea and Andrea’s good friend John led us in worship to God. My sisters made sure I did not have to think about anything … even something as simple as the Kleenex that we would need for the pews. Our son Jim stepped up and took the lead on the open mic testimonials – I know that was hard but he was “big brother” and believed he needed to do this for his Rose in Heaven. My husband said it was the most beautiful service he had ever seen, and he has seen hundreds of them. We were full of joy because we saw God in the midst of everything. Take a look at the Life Video that we shared at the service as well as some snap shots below.

Click the play button to see glimpses of Hollie’s life.

Wherefore comfort yourselves together,
and edify one another, even as also ye do.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Moving Forward

The ebb and flow continues as we move beyond the memorial and learn to live a life without Hollie. There are good days and bad, but I think the good days are becoming more. We have suffered some depression but then remember what we tell others that have dealt with exactly this same thing. You gotta get out of bed. You gotta get dressed. You gotta eat and even enjoy a cup of coffee or tea. And you must keep a routine. These things help you to think on the things that you should think on. When you do not get back into your routine you will be more apt to dwell on the sadness and less able to remember the happy times.

Even for the strongest believer, God allows us to feel great sorrow but as time moves on that sorrow will turn to joy and when you look back you will see God in the midst of it all. I know I do!

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
that ye may abound in hope,
through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Romans 15:13

Photo Credit: Many thanks to my friend De who faithfully took many, many photos of the Memorial. De is one of the sweetest ladies I know.